One minute, she'd been sleeping, in a dream riding her last dressage horse, the next she was impelled out of bed onto legs that scarce held her, stumbling, ricocheting off walls, mumbling about missing boots and Brazil nuts.
So good! The more I read these versions, the more jarring they are. It's like a rupture has happened; an external force has interrupted a life. The ending is enigma and now I want to learn more about this character. That she's ripped out of her dream state works so well because there doesn't seem to be any logical connection between "missing boots and Brazil nuts" as if she's still is in a wispy dream.
All evening they had been smoking sweet cigarettes and jawing with gusto on the canopied terrace, until, they were curbed by the shadow of Ricky the Hat to ventilation and vigilance.
The contrast between the two independent sentences is fantastic! First we, along with the characters are relaxed, hanging out. I love "jawing with gusto." And this is fresh: "they were curbed by the shadow." By the end, all joy and joking around is gone.
Only just the day before I had been melting into a depressive but voluntary state of near paralysis in front of the TV, now I was hoofing across town madly hoping to find what -- red leaf lettuce? emotional equilibrium?
Yes! This made me laugh and also wonder--what happened to the narrator to shift her emotional world so dramatically? "Hoofing" is a great word and I love adverbs, "madly." The humor comes in that she is after not a man, not a lover, but red leaf lettuce. Perfect!
One minute, she had been strolling around the city and smiling at strangers, the next, she was staring into her ex-lover's eyes, wishing for the gorgeous woman who held his hand to catch some type of rare disease.
Thank you, Nina, and have a good rest of your weekend!
So good! The swiftness from one emotional state to another is so powerful. It so effectively captures how a character is not in control of external events; how she is only in control of her response. Love the humor at the end!
She had been intending to criticise once barging into the house, but instead, she found herself reeling from the smell of dope and shouting about being ensnared and poisoned.
Wonderful! This shift is quick and strong. One minute she's mentally aligned with criticism; the next, she's enveloped and reeling. I love how the external world--the smell of dope and shouting changes her so profoundly. "Ensnared and poisoned" also might speak to her initial need to criticize.
In college, he had been drinking like an amateur, by his thirties he was sucking down rye whiskies in go-go bars smelling like middle-aged anguish and chicken wings.
So great! So much character change in one sentence. I love that middle-age has a smell. You ground it with the concrete “chicken wings,” which makes me believe in that middle-age smell.
Thank you, Nina. I wrote the sentence shortly after the assignment, but then anguished over a noun or phrase to match with chicken wings for over a day before finally settling on "middle-aged anguish." I also tried "fatigue," "despair," and "funk," but they didn't seem quite right.
She had been weaving her sister’s fat ass two wheeler down the centre of the street; grandma’s voice wizzed past sending her soul in flight and her wheels a straight. “Two by one, three by fo, Sista’s going to hate me even mo.”
I love the colloquial tone that pulls me right in. Sister's "fat ass two wheeler." I hear her the character's language seeping into the sentence. Then grandma's voice enters, affecting her. Nice parallelism or balance with "her soul in flight and her wheels a straight." It creates such a good rhythm. Then the singing or chanting at the end is so good. We hear more of the character's language, this time through direct speech.
One minute she had been leaning outside the paneless window frame, slipping the small white sheet over a pole that had been her broomstick, the next she was watching the floor swirling around her gouty feet cursing victory and saccharine urine.
Love this swift movement! The precise details are gorgeous, and I am with her flying out the window. The combination of victory and saccharine urine is unexpected, adding more power to this sentence.
Hi Nina, Enjoying these Sunday writing prompts. I'm using the exercises as a way into the next draft of a historical novel I've been working on for way too long, a 1st person memoir of my travels, and other writing projects. Hope to be online for Swimming in Style (6am in Sydney).
One moment he and his daughter had been looking delightfully at the distant fields and forests spreading out below them and seen how the rolling hills stretched all the way to the very edge of the earth, the next, he was forcing a giant of man to pick up a handful of pebbles and apologize for spewing dishonorable insults in their direction.
Question--sometimes when I want to use ellipsis, to omit a word that 'should be there,' I'm uncertain of whether I can do it. I see that in this case it conveys speed and contrast. Is omitting a word an intuited decision, or are there other forms of guidance I can refer to?
The contrast is great! Something has happened and this reader is curious. I love the long stretch of the first base clause, mimicking how relaxed the father and daughter are in this setting--before the rupture happens. As for your question, ellipsis is also often used to mimic dialogue. When we talk we leave a lot of words out. When you use ellipsis, the check is to make sure the sentence still is intelligible.
The band had been playing for two hours, the Titanic was sinking, the musicians continuing “Nearer My God to Thee,” wondering about musical instruments and the frigid Atlantic.
So original! The contrast between the music and the surprise of the Titanic sinking is so good. And then the specific music that they're playing made me laugh. Yet, while they play, they're worried about their instruments and the plunge into the frigid Atlantic. So much humor in this contrast. I hope it turns into a story!
One minute, she'd been sleeping, in a dream riding her last dressage horse, the next she was impelled out of bed onto legs that scarce held her, stumbling, ricocheting off walls, mumbling about missing boots and Brazil nuts.
So good! The more I read these versions, the more jarring they are. It's like a rupture has happened; an external force has interrupted a life. The ending is enigma and now I want to learn more about this character. That she's ripped out of her dream state works so well because there doesn't seem to be any logical connection between "missing boots and Brazil nuts" as if she's still is in a wispy dream.
Missing boots and Brazil nuts - wow!
All evening they had been smoking sweet cigarettes and jawing with gusto on the canopied terrace, until, they were curbed by the shadow of Ricky the Hat to ventilation and vigilance.
The contrast between the two independent sentences is fantastic! First we, along with the characters are relaxed, hanging out. I love "jawing with gusto." And this is fresh: "they were curbed by the shadow." By the end, all joy and joking around is gone.
Thanks, Nina. Always good to hear your thoughts.
I love how my understanding of this sentence unfolded.
Thanks, Lori.
I´ll give it a try...
Only just the day before I had been melting into a depressive but voluntary state of near paralysis in front of the TV, now I was hoofing across town madly hoping to find what -- red leaf lettuce? emotional equilibrium?
Yes! This made me laugh and also wonder--what happened to the narrator to shift her emotional world so dramatically? "Hoofing" is a great word and I love adverbs, "madly." The humor comes in that she is after not a man, not a lover, but red leaf lettuce. Perfect!
Here it goes:
One minute, she had been strolling around the city and smiling at strangers, the next, she was staring into her ex-lover's eyes, wishing for the gorgeous woman who held his hand to catch some type of rare disease.
Thank you, Nina, and have a good rest of your weekend!
So good! The swiftness from one emotional state to another is so powerful. It so effectively captures how a character is not in control of external events; how she is only in control of her response. Love the humor at the end!
My effort:
She had been intending to criticise once barging into the house, but instead, she found herself reeling from the smell of dope and shouting about being ensnared and poisoned.
Wonderful! This shift is quick and strong. One minute she's mentally aligned with criticism; the next, she's enveloped and reeling. I love how the external world--the smell of dope and shouting changes her so profoundly. "Ensnared and poisoned" also might speak to her initial need to criticize.
Thank you, Nina, so much!
In college, he had been drinking like an amateur, by his thirties he was sucking down rye whiskies in go-go bars smelling like middle-aged anguish and chicken wings.
So great! So much character change in one sentence. I love that middle-age has a smell. You ground it with the concrete “chicken wings,” which makes me believe in that middle-age smell.
Thank you, Nina. I wrote the sentence shortly after the assignment, but then anguished over a noun or phrase to match with chicken wings for over a day before finally settling on "middle-aged anguish." I also tried "fatigue," "despair," and "funk," but they didn't seem quite right.
I think your choice is perfect!
She had been weaving her sister’s fat ass two wheeler down the centre of the street; grandma’s voice wizzed past sending her soul in flight and her wheels a straight. “Two by one, three by fo, Sista’s going to hate me even mo.”
I love the colloquial tone that pulls me right in. Sister's "fat ass two wheeler." I hear her the character's language seeping into the sentence. Then grandma's voice enters, affecting her. Nice parallelism or balance with "her soul in flight and her wheels a straight." It creates such a good rhythm. Then the singing or chanting at the end is so good. We hear more of the character's language, this time through direct speech.
One minute she had been leaning outside the paneless window frame, slipping the small white sheet over a pole that had been her broomstick, the next she was watching the floor swirling around her gouty feet cursing victory and saccharine urine.
Love this swift movement! The precise details are gorgeous, and I am with her flying out the window. The combination of victory and saccharine urine is unexpected, adding more power to this sentence.
Hi Nina, Enjoying these Sunday writing prompts. I'm using the exercises as a way into the next draft of a historical novel I've been working on for way too long, a 1st person memoir of my travels, and other writing projects. Hope to be online for Swimming in Style (6am in Sydney).
One moment he and his daughter had been looking delightfully at the distant fields and forests spreading out below them and seen how the rolling hills stretched all the way to the very edge of the earth, the next, he was forcing a giant of man to pick up a handful of pebbles and apologize for spewing dishonorable insults in their direction.
Question--sometimes when I want to use ellipsis, to omit a word that 'should be there,' I'm uncertain of whether I can do it. I see that in this case it conveys speed and contrast. Is omitting a word an intuited decision, or are there other forms of guidance I can refer to?
The contrast is great! Something has happened and this reader is curious. I love the long stretch of the first base clause, mimicking how relaxed the father and daughter are in this setting--before the rupture happens. As for your question, ellipsis is also often used to mimic dialogue. When we talk we leave a lot of words out. When you use ellipsis, the check is to make sure the sentence still is intelligible.
The band had been playing for two hours, the Titanic was sinking, the musicians continuing “Nearer My God to Thee,” wondering about musical instruments and the frigid Atlantic.
So original! The contrast between the music and the surprise of the Titanic sinking is so good. And then the specific music that they're playing made me laugh. Yet, while they play, they're worried about their instruments and the plunge into the frigid Atlantic. So much humor in this contrast. I hope it turns into a story!
Nina, thanks very much for the kind words. I hadn't thought about this as a story ideas, but who knows.,
Saturday one of the stories I have out in the ether was picked up and will be published in September. Norm
Congrats!! Such great news!
Thank you! I know what I’ll be reading next. 🙏🏾🙏🏼🙏🏽🙏
It's a fascinating read. She's also playing with structure and whether there is a ghost-mother or is she truly there in some bodily way.
Just what I need to read!
I love the verb to BE in the active voice and present tense^^